Not sure how to start this and all, I don't usually do the blogging thing... but I could sure use some help.

I've kind of been mentally all over the place lately (like for the last six months to a year) and depressed on and off for about the last six years. Usually I have extreme ups and downs and the downs tend to be short and mild enough to deal with, but lately they're so much longer and harder to handle.

I have big problems with rejection, I expect perfection from myself and when I don't get it I hate myself... I don't love myself all that much, which means I find it very difficult to believe that others do. Which makes me really needy and insecure sometimes, especially in relationships.

Whenever I try to talk about this stuff I don't know where to begin, or I make it sound less intense, or go about it in a really self-deprecating way, so whoever I'm speaking to will think I think it's a little funny, or that I'm handling it fine, even though I'm not f*cking handling it at all.

I'm constantly reliving in my head stuff that brings me down, especially my last three breakups - all of them people who I trusted completely and loved deeply. I second-guess myself, have days when I cry at the drop of a hat, and while I've managed to convince myself time and again that everyone must go through stuff like this... either they DON'T, or the part of me that's meant to cope just fine with something that's "normal" is broken.

So yeah. Glad that's out of the way. What now?